So here it is, beginning the third week of the new year, and like a lot of other fine folks, my New Year’s resolution was to shed ten unwanted pounds.
It is with deep emotion that I announce to you that I am, indeed, three pounds lighter. But wait. Before you break into applause (you were planning to cheer for me, weren’t you?), I need your help. After extensive consideration – and bushels of baby carrots – I’ve decided to petition the Almighty to reboot the existing antiquated weight loss system.
Hey, this is a BIG deal. Totally serious. If this thing is ever going to get passed by God and all the saints, I need reinforcements. Yours.
In my humble but accurate opinion, the current consume-fewer-calories-than-you-burn-to-lose-weight system would benefit from an updated clause that only makes good sense in the free enterprise society in which we live. Based on common banking principles, I’m proposing that Heaven institute a calorie bank in which everyone would have their own account.
Yep – a calorie account to count calories.
A fat deposit box, if you will.
Here’s how it works: Say I am presented with a triple chocolate brownie that triggers my salivation glands to burst into overdrive. I am nearly drowning in my own secretions, attempting to courageously withstand temptation. Despite the rich chocolaty goodness screaming my name, I heroically take only one bite instead of downing the whole wretched thing.
Not only should the calories of that incredibly self-controlled bite not count, I should get resistance BONUS POINTS deposited in the calorie bank … a credit to my account to be used at my later discretion. Or indiscretion.
For example, when my neighbor brings over a whopping slice of her famous scrumpdillyicious Death by Chocolate Cake and stands there on my doorstep, smiling her neighborliest as she hands me a fork, waiting for me to dive right in.
Now I ask you: what’s the Christian thing to do?
It would be inexcusable to hurt her feelings. Nor should I have to with the innovative new calorie banking system. I simply withdraw a few [hundred] of those BONUS POINTS from my fat deposit box and voila – my account is balanced. No weight is gained. No pants need be unbuttoned. Everyone is happy.
So what do you think, dear BBFF (Blessed Blog Friend Forever)? Can I put you down in favor of my Fat Deposit proposition? Do you think it stands a chance in Heaven?
Yes, BBFF, do answer! I love hearing from you. And I love giving you freebies! Be sure to hop over to the giveaway page at my website DeboraCoty.com and get your name in the hat to win your copy of Too Blessed to be Stressed: Inspiration for Every Day in my New Devo Giveaway. The winners will be announced here on Jan. 25.