Yesterday was my 48th wedding anniversary (how can it POSSIBLY be that long?) and I’d like to say a few words about an understated aspect of long term relationships: commitment.
Webster defines commitment as intentionally connecting, entrusting, and placing something precious to you into a place of safekeeping. Whoa, I love that explanation of how a union of two completely different, hard-headed, mule-hearted individuals can last for decades. It’s not all happiness and good fortune. It’s hard work and continuous effort. It’s silently sacrificing, biting your tongue, and going the extra mile when you’re exhausted. It’s:
Intentionally connecting.
Intentionally entrusting.
Intentionally risking it by placing your heart into a presumed place of safekeeping.
Note that it doesn’t require wild passion or flaming romance to commit to one person in marriage, although that’s a lovely dividend. Marital intimacy involves more than sex. It requires commitment. The main ingredient is making the decision to intentionally enter into a covenant – a sacred agreement – with a specific person, chosen specifically for you by Papa God, where you promise to make the effort to connect, to continue entrusting even when you don’t feel like it, or when you don’t think he deserves that trust.
To forgive when he lashes out. To hang in there with him when he fails. To NOT jerk your heart back out of his hands because it’s feeling bruised, torn, or neglected during those times he forgets to uphold his part of the covenant.
And he will. Because he’s human. Just like you.
Now I know that many of you, my beloved BFFs (Blessed Friends Forever), are no longer or perhaps never have been in a committed relationship, not because you don’t want to be, but because you felt forced out due to rotten decisions made by another person. My heart goes out to you. Please understand that this post is not at all meant to discourage you, but rather, it’s meant to encourage those who are struggling to preserve their marriages and somehow find that little extra incentive to renew their daily commitment to their spouse.
To wake up in the morning and choose each other for another day.
The shards of a broken cup best illustrate this point to me. One morning my favorite pseudo-antique teacup disappeared – I’d used it every single day for years for my ritualistic morning hot chai. It was the perfect size and shape. I searched and searched but couldn’t find it anywhere. I tend to get emotionally attached to objects sometimes and this was one of those. I truly mourned that old stained teacup.
At the same time, our marriage hit a rocky patch. Yes, we’ve hit them at different times over the years, and this was an especially scary one. We had grown apart and couldn’t seem to muster the energy needed to pull our marriage back together. It would’ve been easy for our relationship to slip-slide away.
Then one day, two brightly wrapped boxes appeared on our kitchen counter. Upon opening the first, I found the lost teacup broken into pieces, the shards painstakingly but unsucessfully glued back together. It was obvious that it had taken scads of time and effort to attempt to salvage the ruined cup, but it would never hold water again.
Then I opened the second box and was stunned to find that it contained another teacup, identical to the first, but nicer … stronger … newer. It turned out that Chuck had accidentally broken the original cup while washing it, and knowing how much I loved that teacup, tried in vain to repair it. When it became apparent that it was a lost cause, he scoured the internet for days until he found one just like it and paid a king’s ransom to obtain it. For me. Just because he cared. About me.
I tell you, that poor little pitiful broken cup represented to me our broken relationship and the lengths that Chuck was willing to go to in trying to restore it. The two cups spoke volumes about how committed he was to me and how much our relationship meant to him. He didn’t have to say it. The glued cup said it all. And still does, bringing me to tears every time I see it atop my computer table beside a photo of me and my man. (See above left)
So here’s to celebrating commitment. Not just marriage in general. Not flash in the pan romance, or exciting heart palpitations, or heavy eyelash fluttering. No, commitment. The thick, stiff, hard stuff beneath the fluff. The glue that holds a marriage together for 48 years even when your pan will no longer get hot enough to flash, your heart palpitations require medical attention, and your eyelashes thin out so pathetically they look like they’re signaling for help instead of fluttering.
Yes, commitment. Regardless of everything else this world throws at you trying to pry you apart. Papa God will give you the will and strength to continue to intentionally connect, entrust, and tuck your heart into this holy union, where He intended it to be safe for the duration of your covenant.
“Marriage should be honored by all” (Hebrews 13:4 NIV).
*My fave quote concerning married women, from Ruth Graham, wife of evangelist Billy Graham:
“There’s a time to submit and a time to outwit.”
Okay, dearest BFF, when have you done either during your marriage? Please do join the conversation about celebrating commitment …